The Scholarship - Story Behind It - How I Feel

Finally, on July 7, 2021, I received a super exciting news, that I passed scholarship.

I've been in scholarship searching since 2015, and it was 2016 when I first applied.

So it's been almost 6 years waiting.

At the first year I failed, I felt very devastated.

Like I'm not worthy. 

But I keep trying, because deep down I know, I'm worthy, and I got something they're looking for.

Then I keep searching.

At year 5, in 2020, I came at the point,

I HAVE TO BE SUCCEED! 

Then I came with new perspective about what I wanna do in life. 

I become more humble, more realistic, more "me" in my essay.

Turned out, that was the BEST decision I've ever made.

This scholarship, is one of the scholarship that I never thought I would make it.

Because the preparation time is less than a week.

And I submitted at the very last day, like few hours before it will be closed.

And the process, is less stressed than any other scholarship.

I think, I really surrender myself to God this time.

I literally prayed "God, please, help me, I only need 1 shot opportunity, for them to invite me interview. I promise You God (Nazar), if I succeed, I will share as much as I can about information I know about the process".

Then, finally, 2021, I made it.

If you wanna know the process, requirement, and more detail about it, I will share it later. 

This time I just wanna share my feeling.

I still can believe it.

Super excited, YES.

But then, week later, anxiety attack.

Now come the "what if" scenario in my mind.

What if I can't adapt well?

What if I can't survive?

What if I meet bad person, bad neighborhood, lack of money, can't understand the subject, the language, people, culture?

What if I will be chasing by dogs and got bitten?

What about my job? My business? Can I still manage it? 

Then...another point...

I will be in long distance marriage with my husband longer than before.

2 months away already killing me

How about 2 years?

I think I can be crazy.

However, he's super supporting with me.

Super. Super. Super.

When he said he wants to marry me to my mother, my mom said he must support me, pursue my master degree with scholarship.

Then he do it. 

Gosh...

I know...in every stage of life, there must be challenge.

I know, I will face another level of challenge.

It's just me, trying to figure out the answer of my anxiety, what if scenario.

May the force be with you